Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize