How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
