well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
