the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Randomize
