So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
