Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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