i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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