Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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