Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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