I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Randomize
