I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
