2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
wanna go halves on a baby?
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
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