Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
