and you said cock pushups were impossible
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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