Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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