i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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