Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
