i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
