He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
