god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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