I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
