I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
