I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
