He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
