fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
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