awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
