please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
