hell yes lets make some ravioli
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
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