never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
