Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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