I just saw a hot homeless man
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
