omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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