she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize