I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Randomize
