Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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