I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
