You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
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