So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
