He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
