matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
So apparently I’m into choking now
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize