I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
