I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
