he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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