He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
