I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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