just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
