i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
The struggles of a small town man whore
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
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