how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
