i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
