My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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