my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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