I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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