its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
