I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
