how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
