Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
