I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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