when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize