I didn't shave. On purpose
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Randomize
