Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
