did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
