My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
