I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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