dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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