I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
