my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
