I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
