I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize