Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
