Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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