turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Randomize
