I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
