Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
im about as happy as oj after his trial
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
