shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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