went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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