so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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