can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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